


Soul Deep

by MelancholySeraph



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Autistic Castiel (Supernatural), Babies, Bittersweet, Castiel and Dean's Heaven, Crying Dean Winchester, Cussing, Depression, Domestic Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loving Castiel, Loving Dean Winchester, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Short One Shot, Sweet Ending, THERE IS NOW A CHAPTER TWO, Weddings, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15749055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelancholySeraph/pseuds/MelancholySeraph
Summary: The love of Dean Winchester's life Castiel committed suicide a few days ago. Now here he is, sitting at his grave. He has something he needs for Cas to hear.~"Cas, buddy, I hope... I hope you got your ears on... I... I'm... I miss you," He finally whispers, tears swelling and spilling from his already red eyes and falling down his stubbled cheeks.'I'm listening. I'm here. I always come when you call.'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Blame Destiel Port on FB for this sweet, aching piece of ouch. I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> READ THE TAGS: Major character deaths, suicide, and grief all feature heavily in here. Please be careful. But it is sweet and loving as hell.

Dean stares down at the dead purple and brown flowers laying on the gravestone. Something in him crumples to see them wilted and decaying on the cold stone. Frost is lying heavy on the grass surrounding the freshly churned earth. The grave is still stark and bare, a brown rectangle on the thick green grass of the rest of the cemetery. Dawn is just now rising through the clouds, and it's silhouetting black tree branches, and silent ravens, creating an ironically idyllic scene in the midst of Dean's emotional storm. He couldn't sleep last night, just like he hasn't been able to sleep since it happened. It doesn't matter. He looks down at the headstone, already having memorized the engraved words on the thick slab of granite, but reading them again anyway. He knows them by heart. He picked them out.  
  
_**'Here lies Castiel Winchester, beloved husband of Dean. He was an angel to all those who had the honor to know him. He will never be forgotten by those that carry him in their hearts.'**_  
  
There's a pair of engraved wings on the back of the headstone, matching the tattoos that Cas had on his back. Seeing them there sends a spiraling ache of pain through his sternum and he feels like he's been stabbed right through the chest.  
  
_Hello, Dean._  
  
"Cas-" He whispers roughly, his voice breaking in the still silence of the early morning, his word ruining the silence and making it sound harsh and grating against his ears. He sits down on the ground right in front of the stone, six feet above where Cas's body is laying. His knees are touching the base of the granite and he leaves his note in his lap while he places his palms against the cold, smooth rock. His wedding ring clinks against it as he does. He tries again. He has something to say to Cas.   
  
"Cas, buddy, I hope... I hope you got your ears on... I... I'm... I miss you," He finally whispers, tears swelling and spilling from his already red eyes and falling down his stubbled cheeks.  
  
_I'm listening. I'm here. I always come when you call._  
  
"Our bed's all empty. Those stupid fluffy blankets you picked out and those pillows, they're not... they're not you. I need you to be here, dammit. Why? Why'd you have to-"  
  
_I'm sorry, my love. I know you'll understand once you have time. I love you very much. Even if you hate those blankets I picked._  
  
Dean cuts himself off with a shake of his head. He didn't come here to blame Cas. He knows how hard it was on him. He was there for every minute of it. They've been best friends ever since they were five years old. Dean knew he was in love with him from the minute he first laid eyes on the blue-eyed boy with the perfect posture. They'd been high school sweethearts and had married as soon as they were old enough. They had both known they were exactly enough for the other. Dean had never wanted anyone other than Cas, and Cas had felt the same. They'd been hooked soul-deep ever since their first kiss.  
  
"No... I didn't come here to blame you... I came here to say... To say, I'm sorry. I wish... I wish things had gone differently, Cas. I really do. But I don't blame you. I know that things were hard for you, that they always have been. I... I love you more than life. I'd never... I will never abandon you, Cas. There's never going to be anyone else for me. You know that... You were it."  
  
_You were it for me too. I trust you know that. I love you so much, Dean._  
  
Dean rubs a calloused hand over his face, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain. "You're everything to me. And I'm so goddamn sorry if I didn't show you that. I tried, I tried so hard to show you how much you're loved, fuck, we all did, but if... if this is my fault... I'm so fucking sorry, Cas. Dammit!" Dean swears and scrubs his face again. "I promised I wouldn't do this to you. I know you'd just feel guilty, and it's okay, Cas. I... I don't forgive you. There's... there's nothing to forgive."  
  
_You did show me. Every day. This isn't your fault. You did everything you possibly could. The weight of the world was just... too heavy for me to carry on my broken wings._  
  
A wretched sob escapes him and more tears slide down his cold face but he ignores them.  
  
_Don't cry, my love. I hate it when you cry._  
  
"I know you tried so hard, sweetheart. I know you did. And you know what?"  
  
_What?_  
  
"You made me believe in another world. And I know I'll get to it, Cas. I know I will. I know I'll see you again. I can't... I don't know how I'll live without you. You're so goddamn important to me. You make every part of me better than I am. I don't know how to live without you! What about the nightmares and the damn dog, and who's going to watch the sunrise with me on our back porch? It was always you that loved the water, and we live, dammit, _lived,_ right next to the frikken ocean. Dammit, I don't... I don't know..."  
  
_I know, darling. Hush, don't cry. I'm here. I love you so much. Tell me what you have to say._  
  
"I don't know how I'll go on without you. You've always been the one to pick me up and keep me going and now... Now I'm alone."  
  
_You're never alone, Dean. Remember those words you picked out? You carry me in your heart, Dean. I could never truly leave you._  
  
"But... But the thing I wanted to say was... I just... Fuck, I miss you, Cas. And I love you more than anything and I can't wait to see you again. That's basically it. You know me, always so great with words. But fuck, Cas. Goddamnit. This hurts so bad. More than anything that's ever happened. I don't... I'm not trying to guilt trip you. But you gotta know how much you mean to me, I mean. Fuck, how could you not?"  
  
_I love you more than anything, Dean Winchester. You're the love of my life. And my death. Our bond will never fray or fade away._  
  
Through blurry tear-strained eyes, Dean spots the crumpled note on the corner of the gravestone. It was scrawled on there in an angry fit by Dean, and he had left it here. He shouldn't have done that. That's actually part of the reason he's here today. He takes it down, opening it to read the angry, messy writing.  
  
_' **Fuck you for leaving me when I fucking needed you.'**_  
  
"I'm so sorry about this note, sweetheart. I hope you know I didn't mean it." Dean whispers, looking up at the lightening pink and yellow sky, hoping beyond hope that wherever Cas is that he hears him.   
  
_I know you didn't, Dean. I know you better than you think._  
  
"I hope you can forgive me."  
  
_There's nothing to forgive, darling._  
  
"I uh... I brought you something today. Because... well, I mean... What I said was wrong. And... And I wanted to talk to you so bad, Cas. I miss talking to you. Waking up beside you always made my morning so much better and god, this last week has been hell. I can't sleep without you there. I miss all the little sounds you'd make and the way you'd wrap yourself around me like a fucking octopus even when it was 90 degrees." Dean laughs and wipes tears off his right cheek, feeling lighter than he has in the seven days it's been since Cas's suicide.  
  
_I miss that too. Those moments were everything to me._  
  
"God, Cas... I don't know how to do this without you. I miss you so fucking much."  
  
_And I you, Dean._  
  
"But anyway, I brought you another note. And this time... this time I mean it. And Cas, babe, you better make sure there's lube in our heaven because we're gonna need it." Dean laughs, and unbeknownest to him, Castiel laughs too. Dean stands and lays the folded piece of paper he had in his lap on top of the gravestone. He takes the dead flowers, and replaces it with a single buttercup bloom, knowing Cas loved those. Tears swell in his eyes again and begin to stream down his cheeks as he thinks about trying to walk away from Cas. He puts his hand out flat on the stone, closing his eyes for a moment, speaking quietly.  
  
"I know that life was hard on you. I know it was too much to carry and I don't blame you for what happened. People aren't nice, especially to an autistic, gay man that married a smart-mouthed mechanic, but... But you're the strongest person I've ever met in my life, Cas. You held me up when I needed it and now... Now I'm going to be strong for you. I'm gonna do what I know you'd tell me to, which is to be strong, be safe, and live happy. I know you would. And I swear Cas, I'll come visit you all the time. I won't forget about you. Fuck, I couldn't if I tried. Leaving this cemetery is going to be like wrenching my goddamn heart out, but you already know that. You stole it years ago didn't you, babe?" Dean smiles softly.  
  
_Indeed I did._  
  
"Cas..."  
  
_Yes, Dean?_  
  
"I love you more than anything. Don't forget that, okay?"  
  
_I could never. Don't forget how much I love you, Dean Winchester. You're my everything, you always have been._  
  
  
**~**  
  
  
The note left on his husband's marker reads, _'I need you, sweetheart. I always have. I love you more than anything, and I can't wait to see you again.'_  
  
  
**~**  
  
  
Dean walks away from the grave, feeling lighter than he has in days. He sniffles and wipes at his nose, wiping away the tears too, though they're still falling. He smiles through it though as he climbs into his Impala and starts her up. Her smooth rumbling engine is a testament to the hard work he's put into her. The front seat feels empty without Cas in it, but Dean's strong. Cas thought Dean was the strongest man in the world, and fuck if Dean's not going to prove his sweetheart right.   
  
  
**~ 51 years and some odd months later~**  
  
  
There's a bright flash of white light and suddenly Dean is floating. He's scared. He doesn't know what's happening. Then he's enveloped in warm, strong arms and a deep, all too familiar voice that he's ached to hear for years rumbles right by his ear. "Hello, Dean. I missed you."  
  
Dean cries out in happiness, "Cas!"


	2. The Interim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened between that day in the cemetery, to the time that Dean and Cas were reunited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In answer to SuperwholockFamily's comment, here's part two. I felt that maybe this story deserved more than just an author's bland facts and answers written in a comment. These two deserved more, and thus, it has been written. It made me cry, not gonna lie, but maybe it will be happy tears for you guys. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as the original, it just wraps up some strings, maybe makes the ending all that much sweeter. 
> 
> I love you guys. 
> 
> P.S. this starts up right as Dean leaves the cemetery after talking to Cas, and goes through his life until his death. There is another MCD, but it's sweet, I promise. By sweet, I mean slightly heart-wrenching, but it really is. It's a death that Dean deserves, I think. Something sweet and strong and peaceful. I'll take it.
> 
> Also, I wrote this in one sitting, so there's probably some shit thats messed up, but my ass was numb so I was posting. Terrible, I know. Still, hope you like it. ❤

* * *

  
  
  
After Dean drives away from the cemetery clutching the steering wheel of his Baby like his only tether to the world, his life doesn't freeze into crystalline drops of golden amber like he thought it would. No. The world moves on, and so does he. He still has to work, and he still has to spend time with Sam and talk to people and be alive. Even if he doesn't always want to. Their dog, Alfie, sits out on the back deck and howls at the moon some nights, and to Dean, they sound like howls of mourning and loss. Sometimes he sits out there with him and cries too, expressing his own sadness for the loss of Cas. He can't sleep without Cas. The blankets are too thick, and they don't hold enough heat, and they don't get pulled off of him because Cas liked to sleep like a burrito sometimes, wrapping himself up in as much bedding as he could and curling into a content ball of fluff that Dean found adorable. He misses Cas. All the quirky things that made him Cas. Like how he was obsessed with the buttons on Dean's flannels.  
  
He always liked playing with them, no matter what they were doing. He misses just sitting on the couch watching tv and having Cas fiddle with the buttons like they were the most interesting thing on the planet. Dean never minded.

He misses the way he and Cas used to look at each other. Their friends called it eye sex, of course they did - the bunch of perverts - but it wasn't like that. When Cas turned his big blue eyes on Dean it was like he was looking down through Dean's irises all the way into the root of him. Like he could stand at the edge of the abyss and stare into Dean's soul and see galaxies. Cas once told him that looking into his eyes was like gazing into something unfathomable and that when he looked there he saw everything. He never really did explain what that meant exactly, but Dean's pretty sure he knows anyway. He felt like that looking at Cas.

Of all the things he misses, there are some really odd ones. Like how Cas always wanted bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast, ever since elementary school, that's what he'd ask Dean to make. Or how Cas never understood his references to movies or tv shows and he'd have to explain _why_ he just called Cas huggy bear. How Cas would always complain about cucumbers and their taste, and how he would rant about the importance of environmental protection for bees over and over again. Even though Dean had heard the same things for years, he still listened every time, like an old man sitting listening to records that used to play in his childhood, it was something familiar and almost comforting. Cas was always seriously interested in bees, and it never bothered Dean to listen. His lack of understanding for personal space and his abject confusion over Monopoly. Dean just misses him.

It's an ache he carries with him through the years. As the song says, time marches on, and Dean marches with it. That's not to say he doesn't enjoy his life. He does. He's even happy. Like when his little brother Sam and his girlfriend Eileen married, Dean had been best man and he'd done the speech with only one cuss word, which had been _'hell yeah for the happy couple!'_ and they'd all raised their glasses and drank bubbling champagne which Dean had managed without a grimace. That night he'd gone to Cas's grave and told him everything that happened, describing the wedding and the way the music played, and the melody swang, and how Charlie danced with a new girl she met and how happy everyone was. He was happy when his niece was born too, he was over the fucking moon about that, so high and so buoyant it was like he had wings like Cas.  
  
Holding that little girl in his arms had been another piece of the puzzle to his ever unfinished heart. He'd told Cas about her too. Dean knew he would've loved her more than anything. When she turned four and developed a sudden obsession with everything bumblebee he knows that they would have been best friends for life, and Cas would've been the best uncle.

Dean does his best to make Cas proud in every way he can. He keeps his job, moving up from mechanic to boss to owner, though he never got too old to work on a classic. He pays all the bills on time and keeps Cas's garden up, making sure there are flowers for the bees. He keeps the Impala. She still purrs like a kitten, and if he has anything to do with it she always will. He makes sure he's at every single one of Felicity's dance recitals, and he scares the hell out of her prom date when the time comes. Sam had just laughed and told them to have a good time but Uncle Dean had put the boy in his place, letting him know if he touched a single hair on her head he would hunt him down and there wouldn't be anything left to find. Felicity, being the Winchester she was, had kissed Dean on the cheek and whispered in his ear that she knew how to handle herself since he had taught her so well. He had preened at that and watched them drive off happily, smug in the knowledge that she could handle everything life threw at her.

So yeah, life moves on for Dean, but he doesn't move from Cas. He still misses him every single day. Every day there's something that happens that he wants to share with his husband. So he does. He talks to Cas just like he always has, and sometimes, he swears to whatever deities there are, that Cas hears him. Sometimes it feels like he's right there, listening and watching.

The ache in Dean's heart never fills, it never goes away, and he's constantly aware of its pulsing presence. He never takes off his wedding ring either. It's on his hand when Felicity gets married, and when her first baby is born, a beautiful boy named Joshua Jacob. JJ is Dean's joy. He's the most delightful baby, maybe even more so than Persnickety Felicity but he'd never tell her that. As time goes on, he ages. Everyone does. His hair begins to grey, and his body softens. He still brings Cas flowers and he planted buttercups over his grave years ago, knowing his husband would appreciate the view. Autumn begins to get hard on him. The colder weather makes his knees ache and makes it harder to breathe, but that doesn't slow him down any. He lives his life just like he knows Cas would want him to - full of joy, and as much happiness he can squeeze in there. All the laughter and all the love his sarcastic old bones can carry, he shares it all with Cas, and with his family, such as it were.  
  
Sam and Eileen, Felicity and JJ and her husband Gad. Charlie and Dorothy, who got married a few years after Sam did, their adopted son Jack. They're a ragtag bunch of individuals, but it's their family and it means everything to Dean. Family always has.

When it's his time, it doesn't happen in some hospital room. _No._ He dies at home in the same room that he and Cas used to sleep together in. He couldn't let go of the house. He had thought about it some years ago, but he realized he couldn't leave the oceanview. That view had been _their's,_ and their's alone, and Dean _had_ to keep it. It held a piece of Cas within the memory, and he'd cling to that with as much love and tenacity as he could muster.  
  
He and Cas used to sit out there, hands entwined and staring at the moon like it had all the answers to the questions burning within them. They'd spent entire nights out there, curled up under blankets and breathing in the salted sea air. Cas would sometimes take him out there after Dean had a particularly bad nightmare and he'd hold him as Dean cried and then they'd look up at the stars together and Cas would tell him about Cassiopeia and her rocking chair, and Artemis and her bow, and Orion and his belt. The stories always calmed him down, and Dean found that telling them to crying babies would soothe them right down and they'd sleep. It worked on Felicity and it worked on JJ. He can only hope the tradition carries on. He'd like that. Sam's there when he passes. He's the only one. Eileen had passed some years back, and the kid had grown up and moved out. Dean holds Sam's wrinkled hand in his and tears fall onto his pillowcase and soak in there, not for the first time. His own hand is spotted and shaking but his grip is still strong and he grasps Sam's hand as hard as he can.

"We're just a couple old men, ain't we Sammy?" Dean asks, voice wavering. Sam smiles through his own teary eyes and holds Dean's hand tight.

"Yeah, we are. But that's okay. I think we've done good."

"Yeah, we did. We really did." Dean's crying openly now, not ashamed in the least. "I'm gonna miss you, baby brother."

Sam's lips quiver and for a just a split second in time Dean sees the puppy-eyed kid with the floppy brown hair and the button nose from all those years ago and Dean feels something inside him begin to ache. Tears slip down Sam's cheeks and he tries to smile. "I'm gonna miss you too, Dean. Say hi to Cas for me, will you?"

"I gotta kiss him first but it's a promise. I love you, Sammy."

"I love you too, Dean."

And that was the last words he heard before he slipped away into oblivion. The darkness had been peaceful. A blissful whisper of serenity that had caressed his soul and told him everything was okay. Then he's hurtling through the darkness and terror fills him. There's a bright flash of white light and suddenly Dean is floating. He's scared. He doesn't know what's happening. Then he's enveloped in warm, strong arms and a deep, all too familiar voice that he's ached to hear for years rumbles right by his ear. "Hello, Dean. I missed you."

Dean cries out in happiness, "Cas!"

He turns around and wraps his arms around his husband and sobs in joy and relief. He takes a deep breath, surprised he can breathe, and smells that old familiar musk of Cas. He smells like sunshine and dirt and ocean and Dean seeps into the scent, having longed for the combination for years. It never smelled quite right without Cas wearing it.

"I missed you so much," Dean clings to him, holding on for dear life. Cas's ever-present stubble rubs across his skin as he speaks. "I missed you too, Dean. I saw everything. All of it. I- I'm sorry I left you."

"No. No, sweetheart. Don't. We're beyond that. God, I'm just so happy I get you. I get to keep you, right?" Dean pulls away and for the first time in over five decades looks his husband in the face. "I get to stay with you?"

Cas nods, his blue eyes unwavering and his pink lips begging for Dean to kiss them. He's missed them so much. He looks older somehow. Maybe it's more stubble or a wider jaw, but whatever it is Dean likes it. With that realization comes the one that he's in a body he hasn't seen in a good forty years or so. Jesus, his knees don't even ache. "Yes, Dean. It will be our Heaven. I've been waiting for you."

"Sorry I kept you waiting." Dean smiles, rubbing at the tears in his eyes.

"I'm not," Cas smiles, still holding Dean in his arms. "You made a beautiful life. I'm so proud of you Dean. I was always there. I never left you alone, I always watched. I promise."

More tears slip down Dean's face and he's helpless to stop them. "I know. I know you were. But fuck, I've missed you." Dean hugs him again, burying his face in Cas's shirt. Which smells like... him? He pulls away and starts laughing. "My ACDC shirt? Really? I lost that thing back in high school."

"It was my favorite." Cas smiles, fingering the hem of it. "Are you ready to see it?"

"See what?"

"Our Heaven."

"Uh, is that even a question? Duh." Cas smiles that crooked gummy smile that Dean's missed so much and a fresh wave of emotions hits him. He grabs Cas's hand in his own and locks their fingers together. "I love you, Cas."

"And I love you, Dean."

And they walk from the shadowed light into a golden-hazed doorway. Through it Dean finds his happiest memories spun together in flaxen-thread, and he and Cas begin their eternity together, hand in hand and together. All is as it should be.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SuperwholockFamily, thank you, love, for the questions that drove me to write this. The inspiration came from your questions, and I hope I answered them well enough to satisfy the curiosity. 
> 
> I should make a note, yes, Cas is created to be autistic in this world, Asperger's Syndrome for those that are curious. However, that being said, in no way are his "quirks" as Dean calls them, or symptoms, meant to generalize about everyone that has it. Everyone is different, and all situations are unique, so this is in no way a call out to that. As another author recently pointed out to me, Castiel, in Canon, mind you, actually displays many behaviors that are listed as symptoms for autism. I found that to be an interesting tidbit. almaasi was to thank for that, and she has many, many, wonderful fics that are definitely worth reading. 
> 
> I was happy to be able to revisit these two, as they started a journey for me that's literally life-changing in every way. To the one that comment is directed at, and you know who you are, thank you. Thank you so much for being who you are, and I am eternally grateful that we met. I love you, you know. <3 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed it, and if you feel moved to, please feel free to leave a comment. I adore hearing from each and every one of you, and they make my day. <3


End file.
